Crucial Conversations

Crucial conversations: at some point in our lives we have all had one of these. Conversations where emotions are high, something is at stake, and both sides have an opposing view point (Patterson, 2012). These discussions may take place during personal situations such as child custody decisions, divorce, breaking up, dealing with our kids, critiquing someone, or even a conflict with family. No matter what the situation, the parties involved always experience anxiety and fear when forced to face the opposition.

What can be even more difficult than having these types of conversations in the comfort of your own home is having one in the workplace. Let’s face it; no one wants to be at odds with someone in the office, and in the back of our minds is always the fear of a conflict resulting in the loss of our jobs. What is a person to do? How can we say what we need to say in a productive way? These are difficult questions to answer, but there is hope thanks to others who have taken time to provide a guide with effective suggestions.

This week in my graduate class we were assigned reading from the book, Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson, and I must say it has eased the anxiety I was feeling about implementing my innovation plan in my district. The book has a manageable and easy-to-follow guide for structuring a tough conversation, and it has opened my eyes to so many things I need to work on in both my personal and professional interactions when stakes are high. The first being the need to start with me when trying to influence other people to make a change. In other words: I must make sure my motives are in the right place before I get my coworkers involved. This step in the process is known as starting with the heart.

Start with the Heart

By considering your motives and asking yourself what you really want, it helps you to remain true to the goal of your conversation. All too often, we get caught in the heat of the moment and become side-tracked by other comments that bring old injuries to the surface. For example, when trying to implement a new initiative, a person may mention something the other person has done in the past that makes them reluctant to be cooperative. This can quickly escalate into a fight over events that are long gone and can take away from the organizations ability to move forward with a new plan. As the person driving organizational change, you must be the one to keep the conversation focused on what you want to achieve in the here-and-now to avoid letting off-topic anecdotes dominate and destroy an effective conversation. Along with keeping the conversation under control comes a very important responsibility that can help a person gage when the dialogue may become ugly: learning to look.

Learning to Look

As a leader it is important to be aware of how your employees are feeling when you are lining out the details of something new you want them to do. If you fail to pay attention, a conversation can quickly escalate out of control and fail, and you will be left wondering what went wrong. Some areas to watch for when you are engaged in the conversation are signs that it may turn crucial, safety problems, silence and violence, and your style under stress (Patterson, 2012, p.72).

A conversation may turn crucial when a sensitive topic is mentioned, one that may elevate someone’s blood pressure. It is important to articulate these topics carefully and gently to keep everyone grounded. In addition, watch for signs that your employees are feeling unsafe such as silence or a person becoming defensive. Once a person becomes silent, they may withdraw from the conversation or even leave the room. This is not something you want since you are trying to get your team all on the same page. Also, once one person checks out, the others may see it as a green light to follow suit, and your meeting will be a flop unless you do something to save face. That brings us to the next important element of handling a crucial conversation: making it safe.

Making it Safe

When you are in a situation where someone’s feathers are ruffled and you need to quickly change the dynamic it is best to rebuild mutual respect or mutual purpose (Patterson, 2012, p.82). The best way to do that is apologize, contrast, and create a mutual purpose. I have personally experienced the power of a proper apology since I was a small child. When an individual feels their hurt is vocalized and acknowledged, it can help to quickly defuse a conflict. Along with an apology usually comes contrast in a conversation when the person offering the apology says, “I didn’t mean to make you feel a certain way that caused you to get upset.” Finally, once the safety in the room is reestablished, the CRIB method can be used to establish a mutual purpose. The elements of the CRIB method being commit to seek mutual purpose, recognize the purpose behind the strategy, invent a mutual purpose, and brainstorm new strategies (Patterson, 2012, p.102). Since the CRIB method invites buy-in from the opposing party, it helps to reestablish the relationships between employee and leader as they feel they have a voice in the new initiative. In some situations, even though you have “made it safe” for your employees, as a leader, you may find yourself struggling to stay composed when you are angry or hurt. At times such as these, it is best to resort to mastering your stories (Patterson, 2012, p.103).

Mastering Your Stories

While mastering your story, it is best to first start with self-analysis. How am I behaving and why? One you get to the root of your anger, then analyze the dialogue that got you to this point. Was it a certain comment or story mentioned by an employee? After arriving at a conclusion, narrow everything that was said down to the facts. The facts are not something a person can often argue, and facts rarely have an attached emotion. For example, I recently had an angry parent who wanted me to give her daughter full credit for an assignment that was very late. She mentioned the girl had been at the doctor, but this was just one day out of 14 that had gone by before she asked for makeup work. I initially become angry about the request to grant the student full credit despite her irresponsibility, but I then arrived at a conclusion. If I sent the parent a copy of our department policy on late work, she would be unable to argue it, and that is exactly what I did. I crafted a reply with a screen shot of our policy word-for-word from the student handbook, and I never heard from the parent again. When the facts are stated clearly in black and white, there is nothing to argue, and no reason to be upset. Once you have evaluated yourself, this brings us to the next step in the process for successfully holding a crucial conversation: stating your path.

State My Path

When tensions are high amid a crucial conversation, it is best to focus on “speaking persuasively, not abrasively” (Patterson, 2012, p.131). Every good leader knows that people are drawn to charisma and engagement and shy away from those who bark orders at them. When structuring this part of your conversation, the following steps are key: share your facts, tell your story, ask for others’ paths, talk tentatively, and encourage testing (Patterson, 2012, p.136). The process of sharing your facts and telling the story for how you arrived at your conclusion can open your team up to experience both how you think and the experiences that led you in that direction. Once your employees have insight into your thoughts as a leader, it should make them feel comfortable giving their own input. As you listen to their ideas, it is important to be open minded, flexible, and incorporate any ideas that make sense into your plan. If differing opinions come up, keep the lines of communication open and be prepared to allow the other group members to test you. Hopefully, when others chime it will be amicable, but just in case, be prepared to “explore others’ paths” (Patterson, 2012, p.155).

Explore Others’ Paths

In the even that employees become silent or blow up, it is important to employ powerful listening tools. These can best be summarized by the acronym AMPP—ask, mirror, paraphrase, and prime (Patterson, 2012, p. 162). The first step is asking the employee to share their concerns while you actively listen, and make sure to let them know you are interested. Once you hear their take on the situation, mirroring should take place to let them know have heard and understood. You may say something like, “Just to make sure I understand, you are trying to say….” When an employee hears that you are acknowledging their concerns, this can quickly win their trust and deescalate the conversation. If you find that an employee is reluctant to chime in, priming by asking them questions to draw them in is the next best option to get all group members to weigh in. Once you have talked your way through all possible solutions, you are ready to “move to action” (Patterson, 2012 ,p.177).

Move to Action

Once the group has reached some tentative agreements, it is best to make a decision, document, and end the meeting. Let them know that the discussed course of action is a work in progress and will be revisited at the next meeting to see what works and what needs to be adjusted. When the group realizes that the plan is a fluid one, it will encourage everyone to comply and be open to a trial run. This is the last step in the crucial conversation plan, but in any innovative organization, the plan will be revisited numerous times over the course of any given year.

When it comes to crucial conversations, I believe the ones I will need to have with teachers in my District to implement my ePortfolio initiative will involve heart-to-heart connections. The way I plan to do this is by advocating for the students and their need to have advanced technology training in order to be successful in future jobs that don’t even exist yet. I want to make my teachers realize that my change initiative is not for me but to better the quality of life for future generations.

Although I have the best of intentions in mind when preparing to implement my innovation plan, I know I will meet with resistance from certain individuals. This is the reason for having a strategy in my toolbox to deal with the naysayers. In my years in education, I have never seen a new initiative that hasn’t resulted in grumbling and complaining from the teachers. After reading this book and analyzing ways to handle resistance, I feel more prepared for what lies ahead.